Uncovering the Lies Abusers Tell
How Psychoanalysts and Journalists Use Truth to Empower (Vol. 5; Issue 46)
Abusive behavior inevitably involves lying. Studies of domestic batterers’ behavior reveal four phases:
Rising tension (the abuser becomes aggravated, and the victim feels afraid)
Assault (verbal or physical)
Reconciliation (the batterer apologizes, gaslights, and denies the attack occurred)
Calm (a false sense of resolution)
During that third phase, reconciliation, batterers inevitably lie. They present a facade of contrition. Or, as noted, they deny the abuse occurred. It’s nothing but misdirection, but it typically triggers self-doubt in the victim, enabling the cycle to repeat itself.
Along these same lines, Sandor Ferenczi (1988), a pioneer of the psychoanalytic approaches, identified a “second trauma” that often occurs when children are sexually abused. The first, of course, is the violation itself; the second occurs when the child reports the incident and another adult disbelieves them. Ferenczi considered the second injury as bad as the first one. It elicits terror at the stark absence of protection.
Anyone victimized in either of these ways would benefit from uncovering the lies told by their abusers. In psychoanalysis, these become a major focus. Naturally, victims need to vent their pain and describe traumatic events in detail, but they also recover by building their critical thinking capacities. Their ability to trust their own beliefs, such as, “I’m furious my mother never believed me” or “I can’t fall for those lies anymore,” empowers them. In cases of domestic violence, it reduces the chances of them becoming victimized again.
Jumping from the individual to the political, the “fourth estate” of political systems, namely journalism, serves a similar truth-telling, empowering function. The phrase “fourth estate” refers to an additional arm of a democratic system that operates alongside the executive, legislative, and judicial branches. Journalists hold these centers of power accountable. Novelist and intellectual George Orwell is famously credited with saying:
Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed; everything else is public relations.
As authoritarianism gains ground throughout the world, including here in America, it is no surprise that journalists are increasingly viewed with suspicion. Trump refers to them as “enemies of the state.” Within one of the most repressive regimes in the world, the “Supreme Leader” Kim Jong Un has criminalized all independent media. He completely controls print, radio, television and even internet media. China leads the world in incarcerating journalists, with more than 100 of them detained as of 2023. There, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) also exerts complete control over the media, using surveillance, arbitrary arrests and anti-state charges to silence critical voices.
Lest anyone think US government officials invite transparency, consider how just last week Trump lied about Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman’s (MBS) 2018 murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. The killing, which occurred in the Saudi consulate in Turkey on October 2, 2018, was determined to have been the result of a direct order from the Saudi dictator. Extensive investigations by the UN, by Turkish security services and the CIA confirmed his involvement.
Khashoggi, entering the Saudi consulate in Istanbul to obtain documents necessary for marrying his fiancée (who waited outside), was attacked by a 15-member team of Saudi agents. Audio recordings obtained by Turkish intelligence revealed the brutality of the homicide, including how Khashoggi begged for his life before he was suffocated with a plastic bag. Dr. Salah Muhammed Tubaigy, a Saudi physician who oversaw the killing and suggested listening to music during the procedure, used a bone saw to dismember the body after the murder. It has never been found.
Why kill Khashoggi?
Because he dared to write negative stories about MBS and the repression of citizens in Saudi Arabia. He wrote for a variety of media outlets, including the Washington Post, authoring pieces that critiqued the Saudi Arabian government and called for greater accountability, less state oppression, free speech and equal rights for women. Khashoggi revealed an oppressor’s lies so he was silenced.
For the first time since that brutal murder, Trump hosted the Saudi Arabian dictator in the Oval Office. On its surface, the visit looked like a typical leader-to-leader summit. Trump offered to sell various weapons systems to Saudi Arabia; that country, in turn, offered access to oil and other natural resources. (On a more villainous level, Trump also obtained guarantees for massive investments in his planned real estate projects there, but that’s an entirely different Oprah).
When the topic of the killing of Khashoggi inevitably came up, Trump did all he could to lie and misdirect. He told reporters that MBS “knew nothing” about the killing, again refuting the findings of his own intelligence services. When another reporter asked a question about the killing, Trump said:
You’re mentioning someone that was extremely controversial.
Khashoggi was controversial because he did exactly what Orwell said journalists should do, namely speak the truth. Trump continued to lie:
A lot of people didn’t like that gentleman that you’re talking about. Whether you like him or didn’t like him, things happen.
Khashoggi was, in fact, an extremely well-respected individual. His death led to near universal condemnation of the Saudi leadership. “Things happen” illustrates misdirection or, worse, negation. Further defending the Saudi dictator, Trump added:
You don’t have to embarrass our guests.
The behavior almost exactly mirrors Ferenczi’s point about the “second injury” to sexually abused children. When and if they garner the courage to tell another parent, or an uncle or aunt, they’ll often be told, “That didn’t happen” or “You must be imagining that.” Notice how even Trump’s words are similar. He shares the common concern about outward appearances, e.g., “abuse can’t be happening here.”
But of course, Trump had much to gain from sidelining the murder of a truth-teller. MBS promised to invest some $1 trillion in the US economy in addition to buying billions of dollars worth of US weapons and fighter jets.
And while American journalism may be ailing, it isn’t dead. Almost every news outlet covering the Trump-MBS meeting mentioned the Khashoggi murder and other recent Saudi human rights abuses. Also, many congressional leaders, both Democrats and Republicans, refused to be photographed with MBS. Trump cared naught. Shortly after welcoming him to the Oval Office, Trump said:
We have an extremely respected man in the Oval Office today, and a friend of mine for a long time, a very good friend of mine. And I’m very proud of the job he’s done. What he’s done is incredible in terms of human rights and everything else and he’s the crown prince, the future king.
What we see here is the friend of the batterer protecting him (or her), or the adult tasked with protecting a vulnerable child literally admiring the abuser. Trump’s behavior demonstrates to the world how oppression works. The brutality of MBS’ murder of Khashoggi, with its 15 agents and bone-saw-wielding doctor, renders Trump’s defense of him particularly onerous. Resistance, fueled by critical thinking and the search for truth, offers a counterforce to repression.
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And check out my book, Lover, Exorcist, Critic: Understanding Depth Psychotherapy, available on Amazon.
References
Ferenczi, S. (1988). Confusion of tongues between adults and the child – the language of tenderness and of passion. Contemporary Psychoanalysis, 24:196-206.