The Pilot and the Flying Kite
A Surprising Solution to a Complicated Marital Problem (Vol. 6; Number 19)
Individuals in long-term romantic relationships inevitably become shaped by one or more dramatic themes (Karbelnig, 2020, 2023). According to Jungian psychoanalysis, common trends include the King/Queen (bringing stability), the Warriors (bringing adventure) or the Lovers (bringing emotional connection). Most couples struggle, at least to some extent, with the kind of master-servant dynamics highlighted by 19th-century philosopher G.W.F. Hegel (1807/1977). In other words, some variation of dominant-submissive or leader-follower evolves over time.
I recently heard from a colleague about an ingenious solution to that latter pattern in a couple with whom she worked. The husband proposed the metaphor, a different kind of dramatic theme, and the wife readily agreed (as did my colleague). This reframing of perhaps their most problematic motif significantly and positively altered their relationship. I share the story to illustrate how dramatic themes—inevitably more than one—become enacted in couples. (Per usual, I fictionalize the involved parties to protect their privacy and confidentiality).
The woman in the heterosexual relationship, Nancy, is the managing partner at a high-powered international law firm. She has an intense, controlling, Type A, hypomanic* personality style. Her husband, Carlos, a self-employed management consultant, displays a more passive, “let’s go along to get along” pattern. They’ve been married for 26 years. About a year before starting marriage counseling, their two sons completed their educations, one via vocational training and the other through an MBA. After their youngest moved out on his own, their marriage began to deteriorate.
Carlos, who’d enjoyed a close relationship with both children, felt lonely and abandoned after they left. Nancy continued to work the long hours typical for her work life. Because Carlos worked from home, he had spent more time rearing the boys, picking them up from school, helping them with homework, taking them to tutors and supporting their athletic activities. He’d also done most of the cooking.
As Carlos adjusted to his sons' absence, his loneliness gradually transitioned into anger. The anger, in turn, took the form of episodic rage toward Nancy. Carlos accused her of neglecting him and their sons. He’d shout, “You’ve only ever cared for yourself!” and the like. He witheringly critiqued Nancy, calling her a “workaholic” and describing her as a person “terrified of leisure.” Nancy, despite her powerful personality, reacted first with defensiveness, then with despondency and finally with anger of her own. Their incessant arguing led them to couples therapy.
Nancy and Carlos attended weekly sessions over four years. The progress was slow. It took months to help them stop making assumptions about what each of them felt inside. They struggled to develop empathy instead of blame. Over time, they developed better listening skills. They also learned to “recognize”** one another.
Nancy came to appreciate, more than ever before, how Carlos passed through the world with less urgency. Carlos, in turn, acknowledged Nancy’s need for a higher-paced lifestyle. They benefited from realizing that they’d both dealt with childhood disappointments in precisely opposite ways: Carlos moved through life slowly, unconsciously prepared to be let down; Nancy, in contrast, ran through life insistent on “avoiding defeat.”
They also made small alterations in each of their personality patterns. Nancy slowed down a bit. Challenged by Carlos’ assertions, she experimented with “playing.” There was little need for her to continue working at the same pace. Nancy also reached out to her sons more regularly than she had in the past. Carlos, understanding his propensity to avoid confrontation, became more assertive in his interactions with Nancy and others.
Couples inevitably struggle with normal differences in their personalities. Two people who are too alike may find their relationship boring; those who differ inescapably clash. It was in this realm, namely the area of personality style differences, where Nancy and Carlos became stuck. On a deeper level, they became paralyzed around the issue of power.
Their underlying feelings about power dynamics surfaced only after their relationship began to improve. Carlos could more readily access the resentment he’d harbored over Nancy’s domination of their decision-making. In like manner, Nancy realized how deeply she disliked his passivity. Even though they learned how they enabled each other’s behavioral styles and made changes in their own, a simmering bitterness remained. Week after week of discussion led to little further positive changes.
Finally, Carlos proposed an analogy that propelled them forward. He suggested that Nancy was like a “flying kite” and that he, in turn, was the pilot. (These are terms of art in the kite-world). Something about this metaphor almost mystically dissolved the tension.
One might think that Nancy could have been offended by the characterization of her role, or that Carlos might have felt equally put off. On the contrary, the analogy had an equalizing effect for both of them. It exemplifies what the word "reframing" means. Something about that description gave them a renewed sense of equality, of balance. They began to play, to tease each other about their roles. Carlos served a grounding function, one able to pull Nancy back to Earth. He could guide her using the control bar. At the same time, Nancy was able to enjoy the creative energy of the soaring kite. These words, albeit describing the same kind of differences, released the paralytic tension.
The example obviously leaves out many details. During the sessions, they had shared some traumatic memories previously unknown to one another. They had expressed stronger emotions, including loss and sadness, than ever before. They learned how much of their mutual anger stemmed from these more vulnerable emotions. Perhaps this particular story of a couple in counseling appears rather idealized and, certainly, simplified. Nonetheless, it hopefully depicts how a small tweak in understanding how relationship dynamics work can alter couples’ dynamics, allowing them to move forward with more love and less conflict.
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*A term of art derived from psychiatry, hypomania refers to a sustained period of abnormally elevated, energetic or irritable mood. It may signify the start of an actual manic episode (indicative of bipolar disorder), but often just describes a rather intensely driven person.
**Recognition, another Hegelian concept expanded upon by contemporary psychoanalysts, involves more than just empathy. It requires a deep understanding of the other party and the ability to “see” the world from their perspective.
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References
Hegel, G.W.F. (1807/1977). Phenomenology of Spirit. Trans. A.V. Miller. Cambridge, UK: Oxford University Press.
Karbelnig, A. M. (2020). The theater of the unconscious mind. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 37(4):273–281. https://doi.org/10.1037/pap0000251
Karbelnig, A.M. (2023). The psychoanalyst as dramatist. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 43(7): 512–525. doi.org/10.1080/07351690.2023.2257580